I’ve never liked the way I looked.
Before 2022, I could honestly count the number of times I felt beautiful on one hand. And almost all of those were with one ex who had this way of looking at me that made me feel seen, but safe at the same time.
That ex planted the seed of self confidence in how I looked, but it wasn’t for almost a decade that I really started to believe it. 21 year old me didn’t really understand how self love worked, or how to grow it. I didn’t believe I was worthy of love, let alone knowing how to love how I looked.
I was pregnant with my youngest during lockdown, and after I had her I gained a lot of weight. Almost three dress sizes. It was utterly demoralising after a pregnancy where I’d kept my weight under control, even during lockdown when all I did was stay at home and eat crap. I lost all the confidence I’d gained and that hurt. A lot.
It was early 2022 that I found a photographer called Teri Hofford. She’s an incredible human being and body image coach. I devoured her book ‘The Geode Theory’ (which is available on Amazon, go read it. It will change your life). I watched an educational video about self portraits she taught. And while I was inspired, I was terrified.
But, I thought, I can go into my studio alone and no one ever had to see the results of that first self portrait session if I hated them all. So I took myself off and started my experiment. I forced myself to look at the images. Forced myself to be kind and gentle with myself. To look at my body in a way I hadn’t done before.
I looked at my belly and thanked it for carrying my babies so well. I thanked my legs for holding me up and giving me freedom to move. I thanked my arms for all the times I’d been able to hold the ones I loved. It was hard. I cried. A lot. But once I shifted that perspective, other things started to shift too.
These portraits are some of the most authentic I’d ever captured of myself to that point. And it was the start of something that continues on to this day. It’s a self care practice for me now. When I start to feel that disconnect from my body and how it looks, I get in front of my camera and really look at myself.